Moral and Mental Decay

Hello once again Louisa (and others who care to read my random blatherings). This is not something I am uploading from my notebook, but jsut a thought that came to mind as I was reading your post (What the heart holds on to). What does it, indeed?
I think I have become an extraodinarily selfish person. I have very few morals left. Those I do cling to are more religious than secular moral ideas. I have no hope left. For myself or for others. You talk of helping people by becoming a doctor. I don't even wnat to do that anymore. Help people anymore. I used to be so kind and thoughtful. Now my brain automatically jsut turns inward towards myself, this pathetic insect of a creature sitting in the dark, typing a blog to sort out her feelings.
I even don't feel like THINKING anymore. I used to challenge myself when I was younger, thinking about all sorts of difficult and abstract ideas, and then putting them to use. Now I just wanna lie around watching brainless TV all the effing day long. Things have gotten better the last few days. Now I actually am reading and being inspired once again.
I think it's time for a return to innocence- back to those days of unispired happiness, in which whatever you did or wanted to do was a boulder, large and unshatterable, inside you. Encased inside a cage of the strongest steel ever. God, it had felt so wonderful to stretch those little neurons in the brain and tingle with satisfaction at an idea or concept, then put it to use in a variety of settings. WHERE HAS THAT GONE???? ERGHHHHHHH........